


Uncle Nick

by TrashFan



Category: Internet Personalities, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child mol, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Molestation, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Secrets, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-09-24 20:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9783641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashFan/pseuds/TrashFan
Summary: Phil accompanies Dan to one of the Howell's notoriously drab get-togethers expecting to be bored out of his mind. But when a figure from the past show up and shuts down both Howell boys, Phil wishes more than anything that things could be uneventful and boring.





	1. I Miss Boring

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags for trigger warnings!
> 
> I really should be working on my chaptered fic...oops.

“You really didn’t have to come to this.”

“I know,” I said, adjusting the collar of his shirt. “But you wanted me here. So here I am.”

Dan smiled down at me and lightly kissed the top of my head. “You’re too good for me.”

“Impossible.”

He rolled his eyes and shoved my shoulder lightly. “You ready to go in?”

“After you, my liege.”

He took a breath and started walking up the path to his parent’s door. Over the span of our relationship Dan had told several anecdotes about the world’s most boring, posh house parties; ever since his childhood his parents host a sort of get together every year for their friends and coworkers. He speculates that it’s like a high school reunion in the way they all try to one-up each other with how successful and “happy” they’ve become. Ever since we blew up on YouTube, Dan’s parents have been dragging him back to parade around. In all honesty I wasn’t excited to see the pettiness first-hand, but it would make things easier for Dan, and I was always up for that.

Dan pushed the door open and I had to stop my jaw from falling open. The typically homey, soft interior of the Howell house had been scrubbed until it shone. All the silly candids on the wall were replaced with school photos and poised group shots. It made me physically uncomfortable. The population of the front room looked like someone had picked every stereotype for a generic, upper-middleclass married couple and repeated them in slightly different combinations.  In the middle of this array were Dan’s parents, both holding crystal glasses I had never seen before. Was Mrs. Howell wearing _makeup_? I didn’t know show owned any.

“Dan,” I whispered. “I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I think your family has been replaced by pod people.”

He stifled a laugh. “I told you so.”

 

~~~

 

We had the same, dull, small-talk conversation over and over with countless people for _three hours_ in a row. What is it exactly you boys do? How long have you been doing it? Is that really a stable form of income? Are your parents proud of you? On and on and on until I wanted to scream. By the second hour of interrogation, I had undone both a dress shirt button and a belt rung out of pure exhaustion.  Is this what Dan did every single time? After round 46 of answering questions, we decided to take a wine break to help us get through it.

“I think this has to be the least stimulating night of my life.”

“This is better than last time. Last time they forgot to get any alcohol,” he said, taking a long sip from his glass.

I groaned and threw my head back. “I don’t know _how_ you do this. You have so much more patience than I do.” I looked around and slipped my hand into his when I was sure no one was looking.

“Not patience, just practice. Don’t worry, we only have to go a few more rounds. Mum says there’s an old friend who hasn’t seen me in a while that’s just arrived. He’s just had a son and she wants me to praise her parenting skills in front of him.” He drained the rest of his drink, placed the cup on a shelf, and sighed. “After that we can go.”

I would never say it out loud, but both of us knew how much of a relief this was to me. He squeezed my hand lightly before disintangling our fingers and turning toward the archway. I followed him to the dining room for another round of petty humble-brags.

“Daniel!” chirped the sound of Mrs. Howell’s voice. “Come here! You remember Nick, right? Nick Bledsoe, he’s just moved back from the States!”

Halfway through walking across the room, Dan froze. I had to swerve to the right to keep from crashing into his back. Now standing beside him, I was able to see that he had gone paler than I am. His lips were twitching and he didn’t appear to be breathing.

“Bear?” I breathed, barely a whisper. “What’s up?”

He shook his head slightly and stumbled the last few steps forward. He was now in a semi-circle with his mum, his dad, a petite woman called Cynthia we’d talked to twice already, and a tall, rather wide bloke with a shock of salt-and-pepper hair.

“Oi Danny, long time no see,” Nick grunted, offering a hand.

Dan extended his arm and shook with the man. Dan’s face seemed to harden upon physical contact with him, and I felt a pit form in my stomach. What in god’s name was going on here?

“Nick’s just had a baby, isn’t that wonderful dear?”

Dan nodded his head minutely. “Wonderful.”

“I would hardly say I’ve ‘just’ had him. He’s nearly two.”

“Ooh, I remember the twos. Terrible, they’re absolute maniacs. But that’s when their personalities really start to come about. Dan was an actor even back then, do you remember honey?”

Everyone was looking at Dan at this point, but he didn’t say a word. Once the silence began to feel uncomfortable, he offered a small shrug.

Mrs. Howell forced a laugh. “But you must not have met him until he was almost ten. He’d calmed down a lot by then.”

“I think it was eight, actually. Isn’t that right Dan?” Nick hummed.

“Seven and a half.” And without another word, he spun on his heel and stalked away.

Dan’s mum was slowly turning red, Cynthia’s eyes were growing wider than her blusher smudges, and Nick was offering a pitying smile. What the hell was that about?

“We’ve uh…it’s been a l-long week. Probably went to the loo, I should, I’ll go, I” I stuttered before giving up and just ducking out.

I left in the direction Dan had, and from there it wasn’t hard to see where he’d gone; he’d left a trail of shifting gazes and stagnant silence in his wake for me to follow like a map. It led me straight to the guest bedroom – what had been Dan’s room as a child. I knocked tentatively. No answer.

“Bear? It’s me.”

Silence.

“Bear, please let me in. I just wanna talk.”

Silence.

I bit my lip. I hadn’t been this scared for him in a long while. “Dan, I’m going to open the door now, okay? I’m just going to-”

I slowly pushed the door open. I was greeted with the sight of my boyfriend sitting ramrod-straight on the perfectly made bed, angled towards me. His face was hard and unmoving, and his eyes were unfocused. I latched the door behind me, took a few steps forward, and crouched in front of him.

“Dan?” I said softly. “Dan can you please talk to me?”

No response.

“I’m getting really worried about you, I’m sure your family is too. Can you ju-”

Something seemed to snap inside the pale boy in front of me, and he whipped his head to face me in the middle of my sentence. I fell backwards out of pure shock.

“Find my brother.”

“W-what?”

“Find Adrian and tell him to leave,” he ordered in a monotone. My eyebrows knitted together.

“Dan, what’s going on? Why is-”

“PLEASE.” His voice broke, piercing straight through me. “Please. Just get him out of here. Now.”

I scrambled up from my position on the floor. “Okay, okay, I will. I’ll make sure he leaves. Just, can you promise me you’ll still be here when I get back?”

He paused a moment before nodding.

“Okay. Okay. I love you so much. I’ll be right back.”

Despite every instinct in my body screaming for me not to leave Dan alone, I turned to the door and slipped out. Once on the other side, I leaned against the wall and ran my hand through my hair. What had set him off? Dan was far from a lightweight, so I doubted it had anything to do with the wine. And I had seen him lose his patience in one big rush, and that usually looked more like blowing up and less like shutting down. I rubbed at my eyes and pushed off.

It didn’t take too long to find Adrian. He was in the corner of the sitting room, sharing a love seat with a plate of crisps. When I moved them to sit next to him he started to object, but he fell quiet when he caught the look on my face.

“Hey.”

“Hey Phil. Erm, not that I don’t like seeing you, but what’s up? Where’s Dan?” The chocolate brown eyes he shared with his brother searched my face for answers that I didn’t have.

I massaged my temple, completely unsure how to do this. “I don’t really know what’s going on, honestly. But Dan sent me to find you.”

He cocked his head to the side. “What? Why?”

“Uh,” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “He wouldn’t say why, but he told you to get out of here. Immediately.”

Adrian laughed uncomfortably. “I’m not exactly having the time of my life, but I think an evacuation might be a bit much, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Why does he want me gone?”

“I really don’t know mate. Everything was fine until your mum introduced him to this man. Or, reintroduced? I think he’s just come back from America, and-…Adrian? You okay?”

The instant I said the word ‘America’ all the color drained from the kid’s face. His mouth was agape and I could hear his breathing speed up. “No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“No no no no shit fuck fuck blody hell no,” he started chanting as his hands balled up into white fists. “H-he’s right. I’m leaving. I’m g-g-going on a walk. Thanks Phil,” he muttered.

“Wait! Addy, what’s happened?” I called, but he had already turned and ran out the room.

The short walk back to Dan I tried to process what little information I had, but I didn’t get very far. I gave a quiet knock as a warning before letting myself back into the guest room. What I saw physically hurt my chest. Since I’d left, Dan had sunk from the bed to the floor in front of it, his legs bent. His elbows were resting on his knees, and his hands were pulling at the hair that framed his tear-stained face. I sucked in a breath. I approached him slowly, as you would an injured animal. Once I was cross-legged next to him, I cleared my throat.

“Bear, who’s Nick?”

He winced at the name and began to rock back and forth ever so slightly. His eyes were moving from side to side, taking in things I couldn’t see. “No one. It’s nothing. Everything’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.”

There was so much pain in his voice; I wanted to cry as well. I lifted my hand to place it on his shoulder, and the moment it touched down, a thousand things happened in conjunction. He cried out, his body shrinking away from me. My mouth fell open because he was _cold,_ like he’d just been in from outside. I retracted my arm immediately, but before I could even manage that, Dan’s silent tears transformed into heaving sobs. I was at a loss for what to do. How was I supposed to comfort him? For a brief second he met my eye, and I saw something change in his face.

“I can’t,” he said. “I can’t do this –  I can’t go out there –  I don’t think I can – Phil you don’t understand – I am so sorry I just-”

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. Don’t be sorry, it’s all going to be alright.”

With this he fell towards me and I caught him, cradling his upper body like a child. He started to babble incoherently, and I let him go on for a long while. After he started to wind down, I figured it was my time to talk.

“You’re so special Dan, you’re so strong. Whatever this is, whatever’s happening, I love you so much. Nothing will change that. Okay? You can tell me anything.”

He sat up and wiped at his cheeks, despite the fact that tears were still falling down. “No, I can’t.”

I closed my eyes at this. “Nothing is too bad. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Dan’s brown eyes flickered down to his wringing hands. “You don’t understand. Fifteen years and I’ve never talked about it. I’ve never said the words. I don’t – I can’t – how do I even begin?”

“However you want. Maybe start at the beginning.”

He bit his lip. “I…I’m scared. I’m a grown-ass man scared of talking about something. How pathetic is that?”

“It’s not pathetic at all. But you’re really scaring me babe, do you think you can try to find the words? Take your time, just breathe.”

He took a ragged breath. “Shit. Okay, I’m really doing this. Fuck, uh, Nick Bledsoe is my father’s friend from uni. They were really close, like brothers, yeah? As long as I can remember he’d visit once every few months, talk about how much we’d grown.” He swallowed hard. Once he’d gotten going, it all began to spill out of his mouth extremely quickly. “And then when I was seven he moved into our neighborhood. He would come over two, three times a week. We called him Uncle Nick. I’d never heard my dad laugh that hard before.”

My chest felt suddenly hollow as a thought occurred to me. But no, it couldn’t be…

“And then one day my mum’s car broke down. Adrian had daycare, but I was in school so mum sent him to pick me up afterwards. I was _so_ excited. He bought me ice cream – chocolate chip cookie dough. Two scoops.” Dan’s entire body began to tremble so strongly I could feel the bed behind us shake. His fingers found their way to his arm, where they started scratching in circles. “And then, he asked if I wanted to swing by his house before going home to play a few games. I loved Uncle Nick’s house, so of course I said yes.” Dan looked straight at me, his eyes brimming with tears. “I said yes.”

“Oh Dan…”

“I…he…shit. Fuck, why is this so hard to say?” he began to claw at his arm harder, violently, so I took his hands in mine to stop him. “He would…that was the first time he…m-messed with me. He did things to me, made me do things to him. I was so young, you know? I didn’t understand what was happening. For four years, he would…” he winced and choked back a wail. “A-and I never said anything. Not a word.”

I felt bile rise in my throat at the thought of that bastard coming anywhere close to my Dan. “Why did it stop?”

He barked out a bitter laugh. “At first I had no idea. And then one day I got home from rehearsal early, and there he was on the couch. With Adrian.”

I brought a shaking hand to my mouth when I remembered his little brother’s reaction to hearing an ‘old friend’ had moved back. I had to take a few seconds to calm myself down – in that moment I understood why people risk going away for life to murder someone. “Oh my god Bear. I am so sorry. You should never have had to deal with that. Either of you.”

He shrugged. “About a year later, his job relocated him to New York. And it was all okay. We figured, ‘hey, we’ll never have to see him again,’” Dan attempted a smile, but it immediately morphed into a cry. He looked so small and scared, I wanted nothing more than to wrap him in a blanket and protect him from the world.

“Shhh, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

He drove a fist into the ground weakly. “Yes I do! Don’t you see? He’s got a son now. I can’t…if I let anything happen to that boy, I’d never forgive myself. I – shit, I know what it does to a person. I c-couldn’t live with myself.”

“Oh bear. I love you so much. You’re so strong, do you know that?”

“I don’t feel strong,” he muttered. “I feel small. Weak. Disgusting.”

“Hey, c’mere.” I opened my arms up, and Dan readily fell into them. I pulled him into an embrace and began rubbing is back rhythmically. “You are none of those things. Fifteen years is a long time to keep something like this a secret. But y’know what? You did what you could with what you had. You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever known, and I’m so lucky to have you. I love you so much.”

He rubbed his face into my shoulder to wipe away the fresh tears that were now falling down his cheeks. “Hey Phil?”

“Yeah?”

He smiled shakily. “I miss when these parties were boring.”

I sighed. “Me too.”


	2. In The Belly of the Beast

“Are you sure I should just call them and say it? I feel like I should…I dunno…this doesn’t feel right.”

“You can do this however you’d like. You could call them, I could go with you down to the station, anything you want.”

Dan gnawed on his lip. “No, I guess I’ll call.” He looked down at his mobile’s screen, already open to the keypad. He hovered his finger over the _9_ before sighing and dropping his hand back to his side. “This is so dumb, but…could you dial the numbers for me? I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it.”

I offered him a small smile. “Of course.”

The phone had barely been transferred from his grasp to mine when it started belting out a ring, causing us both to jump. I just looked at Dan.

“Answer it I guess. Put it on speaker, yeah?”

I did what he told me and a familiar voice rang out.

“ _Hello Dan!”_

He sighed quietly and ran a hand through his hair. “Hey Mum.”

 _“How’re you doing? It was so nice seeing you yesterday.”_ I didn’t know Mrs. Howell too terribly well, but I thought I sensed a bitter undertone to her voice. One look at Dan’s facial expression confirmed this suspicion.

“Yeah, it was nice talking. I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye before heading out.”

_“Well yes, I would have liked to introduce you to a few more people, but it’s okay. Your father and I miss you.”_

“Miss you too.”

_“I was thinking you could come over for supper tonight. We didn’t really get a good chat in, and I’d like to catch up. It’ll be a family thing.”_

Dan pursed his lips and looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

_“Excellent. Bring Phil, he’s family as well. I was thinking you could come by at seven and then…”_

Dan rolled his eyes and offered me a tentative smile.

 

~~~

 

Walking up the drive to the Howells’ door I trailed behind Dan. Barely twenty-four hours had passed since the party, but he already had deep purple rings underneath his eyes. I may have been looking too hard, but I thought I saw that his gait was slower and his posture more hunched. I tried to shake it off; Dan said he wanted to do this dinner. He’d said that he _just wants to have one more normal with his family moment before things go to shit._ So there we were, fighting desperately to pretend everything was okay.

When he pushed the front door open, I exhaled. How had his parents managed to put everything back so quickly? The goofy selfies were back up on the wall and I could see from my position in the entryway that Mrs. Howell was stacking their old ceramic plates instead of yesterday’s pristine china. A few more steps through the drawing room and I was at an angle to see all of Dan’s mum – in a sloppy ponytail, no makeup to be seen. I smiled a little. Maybe we _would_ get to have a nice, normal supper. Perhaps a night with his family might be good for Dan after all.

“Phil darling! Have you grown?” the woman called, noticing our entrance and making her way towards us.

“Not in ten years, Mrs. Howell, but thanks.”

She engulfed me in a hug, turned to her son, and placed a hand on his cheek.

“It’s so nice to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“Mum, it’s been one day,” he laughed.

“That doesn’t count, I barely spoke with you. But go join your father and brother in the dining room; I almost have the food ready.”

She always insisted on doing supper all by herself; she claimed that it was the one relic of the past she enjoyed. I started to voice the obligatory (and always protested) insistence on helping, but Dan took a hold of my hand before I could say anything. I looked over at my exhausted boyfriend and closed my mouth. He needed me right now.

When we walked into the dining room I had to focus all my energy on keeping my face and posture neutral. Mr. Howell was sitting at the circle-shaped table far from the door, wildly gesticulating as he told a story. Directly to his right was Adrian, resting his head in his cupped hand. His hair was wild and uncombed, and his cheeks seemed hollowed out, shadowed. His eyes were unfocused, and I thought that he might look worse than his brother, if that was possible. I felt my chest tighten.

Dan took his seat on the other side of his brother, and I made my usual place at my boyfriend’s side. I considered asking the boys how they were doing, but it would’ve been a stupid question. Mr. Howell’s anecdote was winding down and I was trying desperately to be ready with a surface-level yet interesting topic to transition to when the doorbell rang.

“Honey, can you get that? I’m busy with the roast,” called a voice from the kitchen, and the father rose from his seat.

“Who’s at the door, Mum?”

“Your Uncle Nick! He was telling me that it’d been ages since his last home-cooked meal, with the move and all. I figured it would be a fun reunion! Ooh, this will be so nice.”

At these words, Dan started choking on air. I looked over at Adrian, but his face was stony and reserved. Had he known this was happening? I used my left hand to rub Dan’s back and my right to grip his hand.

“C’mon, let’s get you two out of here. You don’t need to sit through this,” I hissed quietly.

Dan sucked in breath after breath, his frame already quivering. He nodded at me then looked to his left.

“I can’t. I can’t. Dad’s already furious at me for disappearing yesterday, I can’t leave now,” he said in a monotone.

“Addy, we can make explanations later. Let’s just leave before they get back in the room.”

Almost as if triggered by Dan’s words, the squeal of the front door opening echoed through the room.

Adrian looked up at his brother desperately. His mouth was hanging slightly open and he was rocking his head rhythmically. “I c-can’t. I’m staying. I can’t…no.”

“Mate, don’t be like this! We can j-” Dan cut himself off when the younger boy’s eyes started brimming with tears. “Okay, okay.” He turned to look back at me. “I…I have to stay as well. I’m not leaving him alone.”

“Dan, you don’t-”

But we never got to hear what Adrian thought Dan didn’t have to do because at that precise moment, Mr. Howell came tromping into the room, arm slung around the shoulders of Nick Bledsoe. I rubbed my hands on my trousers to try to get the sweat off. I hated how normal he looked. I wanted him to be grotesque, squat, a noticeable disgrace. But his precisely trimmed beard and crisp button-down made him look like every other middle-aged man. It made me sick.

“Kids! Welcome your Uncle Nick!” Mr. Howell cried.

“Oh Greg, to hell with formalities. I want hugs from my boys!”

I wanted to scream. Vomit. Throw a punch. Do _something_ to stop the horror unfolding in front of me, but I couldn’t. Dan and Adrian rose from their chairs stiffly, twin veins bulging in their necks. One after the other, they were caged by his thick arms, wrapped lower on their waists than an Uncle ought to go. I had to close my eyes to stop myself from making a scene. When I felt Dan return to my side, I opened them and looked down to see the brothers’ hands clasped tight together, arms shaking. So far the experience had been hell for _me_ ; I couldn’t imagine what they must’ve been going through.

Dan’s mum returned to serve food, small talk commenced, and the world kept turning. The Howell boys and I spent the whole meal speaking only when spoken to, Nick used his free time to smile crookedly in our direction, and the parents stayed blissfully unaware of any tension in the room. When dessert was finally brought out, I was actually beginning to think we might live to see the other side of the night. And then Nick turned to face me.

“So Phil, pardon my rudeness, but I never asked. How’d you end up involved with this sorry lot?”

“I-I’m Dan’s boyfriend.” The second I said it I regretted it. We’d agreed long ago that we were okay being out to the people in Dan’s hometown, but this was different. Letting him into our lives felt wrong. I cursed myself for not saying I was a family friend.

“Is that so?” he hummed, cramming pie into his mouth, letting crumbs cascade down his front. “How long have you been together?”

“Seven years.”

He let out a low whistle. “Damn, that’s longer than my first marriage.”

“Well the difference here is that the boys can actually stand to be around each other,” Mr. Howell guffawed.

“Sure you can handle him? Our Daniel’s quite a special boy.”

Both Adrian and Dan tensed at this. I didn’t even want to _think_ about what other context’s they’d heard that line in. “I’m sure,” I said curtly.

“He might bat those big brown eyes at you, but you gotta be careful there Phil,”

As he was saying this, Nick leaned to the side to give me one of his play-punches. I tensed my arm, readying myself to feel the flesh of a monster rub against mine, but nothing came. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked down. Inches from my shoulder Nick’s fist was frozen, held in place by the death-grip of another hand. Dan had lunged behind me and thrown his arm out to act as a barrier. Everyone had wide eyes and open mouths.

“Don’t you DARE touch him.”

“Dan!” exclaimed his mum. “Manners!”

“It’s perfectly okay Sydney, I’m sure h-”

Dan pushed Nick’s fist backwards and rose to fully standing. “You’re not to touch him, you’re not to talk to him, you’re not to _look_ at Phil too long. Do you understand me?” he grunted, an almost guttural rip coming from the back of his throat.

“What in the world’s gotten into you boy?! Show some respect,” said Mr. Howell.

Dan slowly turned in the direction of his father, his dull eyes hardening. “ _Me_? You want _me_ to be respectful? Oh, that’s rich. Tell HIM to show respect!”

“I am so sorry Nick, I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He’s never done this before, I apologize for-”

“We’re not the ones that need to be apologizing!” All eyes turned to Adrian. Somewhere in all the chaos he had gotten up as well, and was now stood with his arms straight down on the table, bearing his weight.

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

Nick tried to cut in. “Don’t worry about it, I-I’m sure the boys are just dealing with something in their own lives. You know how these millennials are, always-”

“You don’t get a say in this!” Dan roared, slamming his hand on the table. “You lost your say in our lives a long time ago.”

“Nick, what are they talking about?” Mrs. Howell asked.

“I-I-I have n-no idea,” beads of sweat were beginning to form on his forehead.

“Do you need a little reminder?” Adrian asked. “Need something to jog your memory? _Let’s play Addy, I have a game for us._ ”

Dan made eye contact with his brother. “ _C’mon Dan, don’t cry. Your parents will ask questions if they see you crying._ ”

“ _You don’t want to worry Mummy and Daddy, now do you? And who would they believe anyway? A little kid, or an adult?_ ”

“ _Remember Danny, the games are our little secret.”_

_“Behave Adrian. Don’t give away our little secret.”_

By this point tears were rolling down both Howell boys’ faces. Dan closed the space between them in two steps and held the younger boy close to him. Adrian wrapped his arms around Dan’s torso and clung tightly, burying his face in his brother’s chest.

“Greg, Sydney, I don’t know what the boys are on about, I swear.”

“Get out. Now,” Mr. Howell growled .

“Come on now, let’s not be ridiculous. You’ve known me for years, I’d never-”

“You have three seconds to get out of my house or so help me god.”

Nick looked from Mrs. Howell to Mr. Howell to me to the brothers before pushing back from the table and disappearing in the direction of the door. The second it closed, those of us who weren’t already crying burst into tears. After a beat of silence, all five of us began to speak at once, but it was Dan who got the floor.

“Mum,” he said, reaching a hand down to take mine while still holding Adrian, “Would you please put the kettle on? I’m sure the detective inspectors will be wanting some tea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended the last chapter to be a stand-alone thing, but the lovely JewelsAnna1218 gave me a fantastic idea in the comments. This is the last part, but I hope you enjoyed it.


	3. I'll Do It

_I’m in a hallway I don’t recognize. It’s a straight shot forward with black walls a small grey door at the end, nothing else. I don’t have time to wonder why I’m there before I hear the screams. They’re scared, young, and an octave higher than the voice I know so well, but I can tell – it’s Dan. When I finally comprehend the meaning of the words he’s shrieking, I want to vomit. I try to run forward, but it’s like I’m moving through marmite. I start to yell out to the boy behind the door, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. I want to sob. The harder I push, the slower I move. There’s nothing I can do to save him. I’m as helpless as he is. I give in to the sound of his voice._

I bolted upright, my body covered in cold sweat. I’d kicked my blanket to the ground, and it make me sad just to look at. Dan would always tease me for moving so much in my sleep, but that night he wasn’t here to make fun of me. He said after talking to the inspectors, he needed space. I had no problem with staying in different rooms, but it was still lonely. I took a deep breath to calm myself when my thoughts were interrupted.

“NO! STOP! Please! PLEASE!”

A lump formed in my throat. The shouts from my dream were real; they’re probably what woke me up. I exploded out of bed, not bothering to wipe any of the sweat from my forehead. There was nothing holding my legs back now that I was awake, but I still couldn’t get there fast enough. I burst into Dan’s room to see him lying flat on his back, eyes squeezed shut, whimpering.

“You’re hurting me! No no no no no no no you’re lying! Get your hands off me!”

“DAN!” I yelled. “Wake up!”

When his body jerked suddenly, I assumed he’d snapped out of it, but he just thrashed back to his other side. “Stop!”

“DAN! Please wake up!”

I walked over to the side of the bed, trying to figure out the best way to do this. He didn’t seem to be responding to my voice and I was beginning to worry he was going to hurt himself the way he was going. As carefully as I could while still being firm, I grasped both of his arms just above the elbows. His eyes flew open with a gasp.

“Get the fuck away from me! Never touch me again!” he shrieked, clambering as far back on the bed as he could and swinging his arms wildly in front of him. “I’ll do it this time! I SWEAR I’LL DO IT.”

I held my hands in the air where he could see them. “Breathe Dan, okay? It’s me, Phil. It’s just you and me in our flat. You’re safe.”

His eyes looked wildly from side to side, but it seemed like he was getting a bit more control over his breathing. “S-safe?”

I nodded slowly and ignored the tears that were clouding my vision. I hated that I was scaring him. I knew the look in his eye wasn’t _really_ meant for me, but it made me feel like a monster.

“Yes, you’re safe. You got out. Nobody can hurt you anymore, okay? I’m right here.”

His eyes locked on mine and I saw something change behind them. He exhaled hard and drew his legs in to his chest. “Oh my God,” he panted. “I am so sorry.”

I let my hands fall to my sides. “Don’t be. I understand. Talk to me; what’s going through your head right now?”

“Please don’t leave," he burst out. "I thought I needed space tonight, but I – is there any way you could…?”

“Of course. Can I sit down next to you?”

He nodded and dropped his face down into his knees. “I’m so sorry. I’m being ridiculous.”

I gently lowered myself next to him. “No, you’re really not. These past few days you’ve had to relive hell. Honestly you’re holding up amazingly.”

A small sob escaped his lips. “Doesn’t feel that way.”

“Oh, Bear. This stuff is so hard, you just have to hold on. If anyone can do it, you can.”

He bit his lip. “I love you Phil.”

“I love you too.”

I laid down on the bed and eventually he scooted forward to nestle his head in the dip between my chest and shoulder. We were silent for so long all my sweat evaporated before another word was spoken.

“Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer it if it’s too hard.”

Dan hesitated then nodded.

“Right after I woke you up, you yelled ‘I’ll do it this time.’ Do what?”

“You…you don’t want to know.”

“If you want to tell me, I want to know. We’ve been together for seven years Dan, you can let me in.”

“I just, it’s dark. It’s really dark.”

I shrugged and started rubbing up and down on his shoulder. “If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I’m just worried about you.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit. What I ever do to deserve you, I’ll never know. Um…fuck, how do I say this? A few months after I – you know, the incident seeing _him_ with my brother – Adrian went to camp for summer holiday. While he was gone, guess who became Uncle Nick’s favourite again?”

“Oh Dan…”

“Doesn’t matter, that’s not the important part. It was that… I dunno if he actually changed or if I had already started to block it out, but it seemed worse. Maybe after years of it I had gone numb, and a few months break was enough to lose the detachment. B-but it was so much w-worse than before. He was rougher, meaner, more painful, more …” he shuttered.  “Adrian was only gone for four weeks, but it seemed like forever, you know?”

I nodded. “What happened when he got back?”

Dan winced, and I instantly felt bad for asking. “The day he came home he seemed so happy. I hadn’t seen him like that since before…you know. But Nick switched back to Addy, and he lost all of that light again. I…it…going through hell is bad enough. Watching your little brother suffer in silence when you could have protected him? It’s torture.”

His words took my breath away. “You were just a kid, you both were. You can’t blame-”

“But I did,” his eyes started to mist over, but he pushed through. “In my eleven year old mind, it was no longer Nick’s fault, it was mine. Every time I saw Adrian cry, every time he faked sick so he wouldn’t have to move, every time I had to do his laundry so Mum and Dad wouldn’t see the-” he gagged.

I felt sick seeing him in such pain. “You don’t have to talk about this, Bear. You don’t have to go back through it.”

He shook his head and gasped in a breath. “When he first started in on my brother, I was so glad it wasn’t me anymore. I figured if I made it out alive, Adrian could too. But after I was reminded how bad it was…I was done.”

Air caught in my throat. “What do you mean, done?”

“I couldn’t let things go on like they were. Nick always talked about what would happen if we told. He said that even if someone believed us, they would make us relive every humiliating detail again and again and again. He told us that…” Dan shook his head. “I knew I couldn’t go through that. But after seeing how happy Addy was right after camp, I thought…you know…maybe it wasn’t too late for him. So I made a plan.”

“To do what?”

“To finally protect my brother and stop the suffering for both of us. Two weeks after my brother came back home, I wrote a note explaining everything that had happened to us. I told them where to find…” his face turned a sickly shade of green and a fresh bout of tears began falling. “certain items that would prove I wasn’t lying.”

“But I thought you said you didn’t want to go through the aftermath of telling?”

Dan buried his face into my shoulder, and I squeezed him tight. “I didn’t.”

“But…I don’t understand. What…?”

He swallowed. “It was to be my suicide note.”

My heart stopped for a moment. “What?”

“Adrian would get help, but I wouldn’t have to be around for the fallout. It was the perfect way out.”

“Dan, you’ve got to know that it would have destroyed your family. That they-”

He looked up at my, his chocolate eyes shining. “I know that now. But back then I didn’t.”

“So what stopped you?”

“He did. Nick found the note. He destroyed it and told me that if I ever went through with my plan, he would make sure to make my family suffer. He told me that no one would believe a whiney dead kid over a respected member of the community.”

I hated to admit it, but that in that moment I was thankful that the bastard found the note and stopped Dan from going through with it. It was probably the only positive impact the man ever had.

“So you forgot about your plan?”

He bit his lip and looked away from me. “N-not…not entirely. Every time things seemed to get really bad for my brother, I would track Nick down. I’d threaten to write another note and go through with it. We’d fight; he said he’d burn the note, I said I’d hide copies everywhere. He said nobody would believe me, I asked if he wanted to bet on it. It always got really ugly, but he seemed to lighten up for a while after I would threaten him.”

“Did you mean it? Would you have gone through with it if he hadn’t backed off?”

“Absolutely. But I never had to. The closest time was right before he left for America. Adrian was so scared; every time Nick would leave for a trip, the last night in town he’d get drunk and get…rough.” Dan cringed visibly. “Addy was so scared he would go all-out before he left for the States. He didn’t eat for weeks beforehand. And honestly, I was worried too. So I approached Nick. I told him again I’d go through with my plan. I didn’t know that he was already completely wasted. It was the worst we ever fought, and that was saying something. It escalated. It ended up with…I…he...”

I closed my eyes. “Dan…”

“By that point he much preferred Adrian. He’d made that clear. But that night he made an exception. He…it was the first time in so long. I think he’d stored up hate for me, all for that moment. He..I…” he hiccupped. “After it was done, I told him that if he set foot near my brother, I’d do it. I’d write the note and tell the world. I just kept shouting ‘I’ll do it this time. I swear to god I’ll do it this time.’ Nick was so far gone…I was afraid he was going to hurt Addy too bad to recover. But he didn’t. As far as I know, he never laid a hand on him again.”

“Bear,” I whispered.

“You know, I’d had more than my fair share of terrible experiences at that point. But that was the worst. Lying on the ground fearing for my brother’s safety…it’s the single worst moment of my life. A-and I t-t-think that’s what I was screaming at you, at _him_ , when you woke me up. ‘ _I’ll do it this time. Get your hands off me, I’ll do it this time…_ ’”

We laid there in silence for a while, both of us shaking. I never wanted to let Dan out of my arms ever again. He was such a beautiful person who had lived through such ugly things. He had suffered enough for a lifetime.

After several eternities had passed, when I wasn’t even sure if my boyfriend was still awake, I spoke.

“Dan?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you so much. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. And I need you to know that you’re my inspiration.”

Dan looked up and placed such a light kiss on my cheek, I wasn’t sure his lips touched me at all.

“You’re my lifeline.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep saying no more installations, but whoops. I guess I should stop promising it's over, but I will say this; I have no current plans for another chapter. HOWEVER, comment your ideas and I might just use them :)


	4. A Dozen Good Men

There were four things that I didn’t understand. Well, there were far more than that, but the quick mental count I made as I shifted awkwardly against the wall told me that there were four major aspects to all of this that made no sense to me.

I didn’t understand why Nick was taking this to trial. He had to know that he had no shot of winning. Twelve victims had come forward and all their stories matched up perfectly. Every last one of them was reliable and consistent with their story, and he had no evidence in his favor. Countless deals had been offered to him, but he insisted on pleading not guilty. I thought I’d experienced the deepest sort of hate when I found out what the bastard did to Dan and Adrian, but he’d managed to intensify the loathing when he insisted on dragging everyone through the hell of court.

I didn’t understand why they used numbers for each other. It seemed barbaric and impersonal; when I first heard it used, it seemed downright dehumanizing. But that’s just how it was. By my count this was the seventh time all of Nick’s victims had been in the same room together, and ever since someone joked about it at the end of the first interaction, they had all used it religiously. They referred to each other not by name, but by where they fell chronologically in Nick’s path of destruction. Dan and Adrian were Three and Four, respectively. From what I understood, there had never been any overlap or gap. Nick chose someone to torture and abused them until he found a new shiny play toy, at which point he switched. The exceptions to this rule were Seven, Eight, and Nine. Fraternal triplets with the exact same timeline of assault. None of them knew their brothers had gone through the same hell until the whirlwind of the trial.

I didn’t understand their dynamics with each other. Looking around the room was like watching a dozen brothers gathering for a funeral. Five (who was seventeen) was on his knees helping Ten (nine years old) learn how to tie a tie. One (thirty-four years) and Two (twenty-eight) were sharing wallet photos of their children, the creases on their foreheads especially pronounced. The twelve year old triplets were making wry jokes about their ridiculous matching suit jackets to Six, who was only two years their elder. If the way all the boys referred to each other was distant, their relationships were anything but. I thought that the time directly before final testimonies would be the tensest, but I was wrong. There was certainly a stiff feel to the air, and occasionally someone would get lost staring into space or wipe away a few silent tears, but another boy was always there to pull him out of it. Family and friends were left to form an awkward perimeter around the room. I don’t know about the rest of the relatives, but I felt like I was intruding on something sacred.

And most of all, I didn’t understand Ben. He was the only one that wasn’t included in their number system. I asked Dan once what his number would be and he just whispered _Twelve._ I asked why they didn’t call him Twelve, but by that point Dan was incapable of answering. It had been a bad night.

Ben was heartbreaking; the only survivor that didn’t have the abuse stop with Nick finding another boy. Ben’s slice of hell ended when Nick was arrested. Everyone after Adrian but before Ben lugged themselves over from the States for the trial, but the little boy was the bastard’s new fixation upon returning to London. He was Nick’s nephew – the arse was literally his _Uncle Nick._ Ben turned six years old a few weeks after the investigation started.

The large wooden doors open and our room fell silent. The lawyer called out a name I didn’t recognize and One nodded sharply. The person to the left of me in our perimeter broke off and joined him, lacing her fingers through his. One took a breath, placed a gentle hand on her pregnant stomach, and turned to leave. The instant the doors closed, the circle broke, relatives rushing forward to claim their survivor. Mr. Howell went straight to Adrian while Mrs. Howell attempted to go to Dan, but he shook his head softly at her and nodded in the direction of his brother, who was noticeably losing control of his breathing.

Dan joined me on the wall and offered a minute smile that didn’t reach his clouded eyes. He ran a hand through his hair, which only made it look more disheveled.

“You know,” he said after a moment of quiet, “This feels wrong. Suits are for awards shows and presenting, not this shite.”

“I wish that you didn’t have this reason to be wearing a suit.”

He shrugged. “ ‘s my own fault. I knew I should have chosen my dungarees this morning.”

I rolled my eyes and moved my hand out towards him. “Are you nervous?”

“Mostly exhausted.” He took my hand in his. “I’m ready for this to be over. I want to move on.”

“You know I’m proud of you, right?”

“You only bring it up four times a day.”

“I just need to make sure you know,” I said.

Dan nodded, and we stood there quietly for what seemed like forever. Some of the others had lapsed into silence as well, while some seemed to be going over testimonies with their loved ones. After quite a while, my boyfriend finally spoke.

 “I’ll be right back,” he murmured.

He pushed off the wall and walked towards Two, and his family made room for Dan to get through. He approached the man, who promptly collapsed into Dan’s arms. He caught Two and held him for a moment, head tucked down, mouth forming indeterminable words. Two managed to pull himself to fully standing before saying something very brief back to Dan, who’s face softened quite a lot at the words. Before anything could be said in response, the large doors swung open again to let the lawyer in. This time no words needed to be said. The second oldest warrior in the room took a breath and marched out.

“What was that about?” I asked when Dan returned to me.

He bit his lip.

“You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. I… I was just telling him that I forgive him.”

“What?”

Dan shrugged. “Talking with everyone, we’ve kind of discovered that the lower our number, the guiltier we feel.” He looked up and saw my scrunched eyebrows and cocked head. “For example, if I had reported everything, it would have stopped with me. Addy wouldn’t have had to deal with it, neither would Four or Five or the rest. Two has all of that plus me.”

“But…you guys have to know that it’s not your-”

“We know. But there’s a difference between knowing and really _knowing_ , you know?” he chuckled darkly. “No one is mad, but we all feel we need forgiveness. So that’s what I gave him.”

I nodded as Dan collapsed back against the wall. “You don’t have to answer this, but…what did he say to you at the end?”

He closed his eyes and began using his thumbs to rub small circles on his pointer fingers. “He said, _For Eleven._ ”

“For Eleven?”

“Yes.”

I glanced around the room. I thought I had most of the numbers paired to faces, but no one I looked at rung a bell for Eleven. I bit my lip. Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember the name Eleven being used at all.

“W-which one is-”

“No one.”

“What?” I asked.

“We don’t know who Eleven is.”

“But wouldn’t that make Ben Eleven?”

Dan exhaled shakily and closed his eyes.

“Hey, hey,” I took his hand once again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. Always remember Bear – there’s nothing that you have to tell me, but there’s nothing that you can’t tell me. Okay?”

He opened his eyes again. “Really?”

“Of course.”

He looked at his feet, then at the ceiling, then back at his feet. And then the dam burst. “We don’t know for certain there’s an Eleven out there. But if there isn’t, that’s the only inconsistency he made in over 20 years of abuse. If there’s no missing boy, that would mean Nick took a three year break between Ten and Eleven. But that just doesn’t make sense. Why would he?” Dan said, all in one breath. “So that’s why there has to be another after the tenth but before Ben. It…it’s why,” he swallowed hard. “It’s why none of us can handle calling Ben Twelve. Because it reminds us that there has to be an Eleven still out there. Or at least we hope so.”

“What do you mean?”

He started tugging harshly at the hem of his suit jacket. “We – our lawyer and those of us old enough to understand – are afraid of what would’ve happened. Nick says he left the States because he was homesick, but why all the sudden? We’re worried,” he swallowed, “we’re worried that something happened to Eleven that made Nick want to leave town. We think that’s why Nick won’t take a plea deal. He won’t admit what he did to Eleven.” For the first time in days, tears began to fall down Dan’s face. “So we all just kinda hope that if Eleven ever existed, he’s still around somewhere.”

“Oh my god,” I breathed.

“We instituted the number system to make things easier, so we could detach and make things less personal.” He barked a laugh. “What a backfire.”

I placed my hand lightly on his shoulder and looked into the chocolate eyes swimming in tears. “It’s okay to be hurt Dan. This is tough shit that no one should have to shoulder. But you made it, okay? You all did. And I’m really amazed, yeah? All eleven of you,” I paused. “All _twelve_ of you amaze me.”

Before he could say anything back to me, those bloody doors swung open. We both straightened up.

“Are you okay?” I whispered. “Can you do this?”

“Yes.” Dan wiped his face and nodded hard. “…for Eleven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, this work seems to be what I add to when I'm fighting through writer's block. So enjoy. Again, if you have any suggestions for another weird, slightly disconnected chapter, comment them and they might just become reality.


	5. Eleven

In London, a man returns to his flat from an unexpected business meeting he hadn't wanted to go to. A meeting his partner told him he ought to go to, because everything was fine and he could use a few hours on his own to decompress. The man sets his keys on the counter and calls out a name into a silent home. No answer.

 

In New York, a man returns to his house, exhausted from a simple run to the store. A run to the store that wasn't strictly necessary, but he really needed that night. These past few months, it was the only way he knew how to decompress. The man sets his bag on the counter and frees several bottles from the brown paper. He drinks his whiskey in silence.

 

In London, a man opens his love's bedroom door and is surprised to find a figure lying on the ground, half-empty bottles of whiskey and vodka strewn about the floor. He feels a pang in his chest, and helps all six feet three inches of his boyfriend onto the bed. The drunk boy doesn't seem to process this. The sober man pours two Tylenol into his hand and helps the half-conscious form down the pills before tucking him in.

 

In New York, a man opens his son's bedroom door and is surprised to find the pain can still find a way through the alcohol-induced numbness. He feels a pang in his chest for the boy. It's only been a few months, but he still doesn't want to process what happened. He pours some pills into his hand and downs them with rum before returning to the racecar bed, remembering all the times he tucked his son in.

 

In London, a man shakes his head, heartbroken at what his love had been driven to, but in disbelief at how well he was operating, all things considered. He cleans up the apartment, wanting things to feel at home when his boyfriend wakes up again.

 

In New York, a man shakes his head, heartbroken at what his son had been driven to, still in disbelief that an eight year old even knew about suicide, much less had the ability to carry it out. He knows he should clean himself up, but he stays, sitting down in the one room that used to make him feel at home.

 

In London, a man lays down next to the person he loves most in the world, whispering a nickname that always provided comfort to his Bear.

 

In New York, a man lays down in the bed of the boy he had loved most in the world, unaware of the nickname a group of men, boys, and lawyers had used to refer to his son.

 

In two different countries, in two different homes, using two different names to think about him, two different men drift in and out of drunken sleep, dreaming about a boy they would never get to see.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all wanted to know what happened to Eleven...

**Author's Note:**

> I live for reviews so please tell me what you think! ConCrit always welcome!


End file.
